I hate bathing suit shopping. There are some things that for the most part designers and consumers seem to agree upon–we get a plethora of shirt options and dresses, undies and bras. But jeans and bathing suits for whatever reason always make me wonder how they do their market research? Do they visit an Oracle? Shake a Magic-8 ball? Have a toddler point at objects on the wall? Because it’s certainly not via asking women what they’d like or thinking about how the fuck people use these things.

So, here is an assortment of swimwear with some feedback. Yes, today I’m beta reading the bathing suits.

This one says you want to look cute while dry, and want to be convinced you’re being surrounded by aquatic life if you get into the ocean, or float in your own small ink spill in a pool.

 

 

 

Want the same “omg was that an eel” feeling, but with a trade off in tan lines at the shoulders for a nice one-third farmer’s tan, and more certainty you’re going impersonate an octopus, with your boobs as sort of googly eyes.

 

 

 

You really want to get rid of those standard shoulder tan lines, and instead want your skin to look like you come equipped with your own bolero when you change back into regular clothes. Nothing says modesty like having a shining beacon on your breasts when you’re out in a t shirt.

 

 

 

When you want the sea cucumbers to accept you as one of their own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This one is obviously used for belly rubs.

 

 

 

 

When you neither want to get in the water nor have the ability to move on land too quickly. Excellent for cleaning up ice cream spills (the likelihood of getting some on the suit being null) and getting a tan line like a Star Trek Communicator.

 

 

 

 

I, too, feel most confident when my hips look like a trussed, raw pork roast out on holiday, and my tan line looks like reverse char marks.

 

 

 

 

And in conclusion, a double header.  You see the top part and think they must have intended this for tanning. It doesn’t have any of the support necessary for water or moving. But then the bottom is super high waisted, high cut at the flexor, and has a cut out in the back. Can’t lie down in it on your back, can’t tan from the front…I just don’t know, and I don’t have the time.

Dear robots and Oracles making these designs, I just need you to think for a second. One second, that’s all. About the nature of humans, and their various forms, and what people intend to do in swimsuits. I’ll give you a hint, the intention is in the name.