An author friend of mine was talking to me about how weird it is that these characters get so real that they become their own people. And I was like…no, it’s not weird. I just have something like six people who currently live in my head and aren’t me, but it’s cool, I’m not using all that space to its full potential anyways, so they can reside there until I need it. They’re not alive. I’m not making golems here (note to self: investigate making golems).
What’s so strange about that? I MEAN, COME ON, Jessica.
So, to prove how very stable I am, I would like to present you with conversations I’ve had with Summer and Lia off-camera.
Scenario One–In Which I Desire Them To Say or Do Something They Wouldn’t Prefer:
Summer: Yeah that’s not happening.
Lia: Agreed. It is so far off the table that I think I may have thrown it in a lake.
Me: But come on. I need you to change your reaction just a smidge so this next part makes sense.
Summer: Me change? You change. It’s my fuckin’ life.
Lia: And if you think I’m that dumb, I will slaughter you, and scribe Pi to the eighteenth place from memory with your blood.
Me: Well, fine. I will just tell a different story.
Summer: You are wise, grasshopper.
Scenario Two–In Which I Am Curious How They Became Prone to Dramatics:
Summer: Seriously? You stole Lia’s childhood.
Me: Oh, right. I guess that–
Summer: And then you sent me to–
Me: ALL RIGHT, I get it. Sorry. Please mope as you see fit.
Lia: I know what bat guts smell like now. Can I mope, too?
Me: Is that a recent thing or…?
Summer: Please don’t ask her, I don’t want to know if–
Lia: I cleaned it up. But Summer, I may have bleached your new sun dress.
Summer: GOD DAMMIT.
Scenario Three–In Which Lia Explains How She Creates Curses
Me: I need you to say something colorful.
Lia: Yellow, heliotrope, aqua.
Me: No, like I need to put an oath you would say into this spot here.
Lia: Why? What happened?
Me: Well–no. Stop doing that! I’m not going to tell you what will happen, then your reaction won’t be genuine.
Lia: But you want me to give you an oath for it ahead of time.
Lia: Well, I can’t just make one up. I have rules about them and they’re specific in severity and type to the situation–
Me: I will take you for the biggest chocolate ice cream ever if you just tell me one.
Lia: …How big?
Me: [shows picture]
Lia: (in awe) Mother of meticulous manscaping…I want that so bad.
Scenario Four–In Which They Make Jokes Inappropriate To The Situation
Summer: Is…I’m not sure I follow. Is there a set protocol for appropriate humor when you’re fighting mythical creatures of primordial horror?
Me: Well, no, not exactly, it’s just that most people don’t generally…you know…joke at a time like that.
Summer: So, then…what do they do?
Me: Well, I mean, I don’t have much direct experience but I’m told that mostly it’s like…you know, very tactical.
Summer: Are you backseat banishing us here?
Me: No, I wouldn’t ever try to tell you how–
Summer: Because if you are, I will stuff you in a box…
Me: I really don’t think that’s possible…
Summer: And put you on a boat…
Me: Not where I saw that going… (hang on, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT COMING?!)
Summer: To the small land mass surrounded by water with all the treasure.
Summer: You know, X-Isle.
[Summer and Lia high five]
And there you go. Threatened by my own mind-roomies. What a life.