Welp, it’s ridiculous to talk about the world if it had fewer weapons in it, so instead let’s talk about what we do with the weapons we have.

I think most people just don’t understand the real beauty of weapons. When you get hold of something that can be a weapon, you not only get a tool, you get the following super powers:

• You know how to use the weapon proficiently
• The weapon only serves you, and no other
• You have perfect clarity into who is the enemy
• No one who isn’t an enemy may fall victim to your weapon

I think that most people who have never tried out weapons don’t understand these parts of being a weapon-owner, and that’s where a lot of the concern comes in. Dear pacifist bleeding heart types: hear my Weapon Owner words. You’re only a danger if my Enemy Sense declares you so. Otherwise, you are entirely safe. I know it might sound shocking so here’s how it works!

Surprise!

What do you do when you’re surprised? When someone shouts BOO! at you, what do you do? That’s what you do when you’re surprised by an attacker, too! As soon as you play a video game or buy your own video game replica piece however, you no longer yell and throw your hands over your head!

Clearly not a Weapon Owner

You settle into the perfect fighting stance with your hands securely in fists or around your weapon. You are cool as a cucumber because you are a Weapon Owner. Just the confidence of taking your fate into your own hands is sufficient to overcome the panic response.

Coordination

You are now also a kung fu master and a sharpshooter! Thanks, Matrix! They perfected the technology, and now all you have to do is sign up for a self defense class at the YMCA or get a Smith and Wesson and KABAM! You can probably also do cartwheels and defend yourself while blindfolded with your lightsaber. All those orange juices you’ve dropped? All the times you managed to sock yourself in the face tying your own shoes? It doesn’t matter. Now, you’re a Weapon Owner, and do nothing stupid or clumsy ever. You certainly don’t ever miss with your weapon, or blink at inconvenient moments.

Oopsie Honey

Okay, yeah, so…I know that all the statistics that say two out of three times a gun gets used in a house, it’s used against one of the inhabitants, but that’s probably because they’re not you, with your magic weapon. They didn’t spring for the extra spell power. Always spring for the extra spell power. I am not sure I have statistics on how often nunchucks, batons, knives, and brass knuckles are used on their owners, so I think it’s safe to assume they all come with the works, likely because they are trying to inch in on the gun market with added extras included as features. But as long as you get the spell power feature, suicide, domestic violence and accidents will never occur.

See? He got the basic model. Rookie mistake. You can tell he has no idea what he’s doing.

Hey That’s Mine!

Again, this is where spell power is important. Guns are one of the most stolen items, and blunt objects are often fairly easy to remove from careless, un-spelled Owners. Make sure you ask for the option that allows you to keep it out of the hands of others. Don’t skimp! People who skimp, thinking their safes will be safe often have the entire thing removed, sometimes along with part of the house containing it. And do you know how silly you look being brained with your own baton? Probably not, because you immediately blacked out, which is for the best, really. The shame is devastating.

And that’s it! I assure you, constant practice is not only unnecessary, it can be a detriment because you start overthinking things and then your instincts are dulled. Don’t be dull. Just buy a weapon and start using it whenever you see fit.