I’ve Solved All Of Science, You Can Go Home Now

I can teleport.

It looks just like this, except without the lights, uniforms, alien races or occasional space babes.

I don’t often tell this to people, because it is uncomfortable for me, and it’s not terribly useful. I am no soldier, trained to reorient myself immediately upon shifting reality. It just means I get to be dazed and bewildered in a slightly different location than I’d previously inhabited.

It’s really not that hard, I’m not sure why scientists are having such a difficult time figuring this out. Science is always freaking out about teleportation, saying “it’s impossible” and “even if it weren’t impossible, it would require the complete destruction of the original each time.”

Let me tell you, this is utter bollocks.

trick GIF


All you have to do is make sure people see spiders (or I guess other things that make them literally jump out of their skin, but I don’t have experience with that). If they possess the ability, that should trigger it.

Someone just has to say, “oh, what a huge spider that is,” and BAM! suddenly I’m twenty feet away and four feet off the ground (unless it’s attacking from the ceiling, then you’ll likely find me covered in a blanket. Where did the blanket come from, you ask? Excellent question. I imagine I pick it up when I’m in the In Between Place that allows me to teleport so effectively without destroying my original self in the process).

Now, there are substantial risks associated with this ability, so don’t try it off the cuff. It includes a rapid increase in heart rate, a surge of cortisol, low blood pressure, and sometimes an uncontrollable urge to gibber and/or weep. Please see a doctor before trying instant relocation.

If you are from NASA and wish to discuss my findings, you can contact me at my various social media sites, located to the right. I would be happy to share with you my research for the small fee of one trip to the Space Station and a space pen.

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