“No one has a real conversation anymore.”
“No one knows how to cook anymore.”
“No one respects tradition anymore.”
“No one just lets me say offensive things anymore.”
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times–my generation is killing all that is good and sacred. Apparently we’re the Apocalypse incarnate, and where our Uggs tread, death soon follows. Miss Manners would require her smelling salts if she were around today.
Or, and I think this is more likely, she would trade her crinoline for tailored jeans and give advice for the modern era, because adapting is what the perfect hostess does best. Here are a few I’ve thought of for The Millenials’ Guide to Killing Them Softly.
Online dating is one of the best and worst inventions of this era. Used properly, it can save thousands of dollars and hours on cruising bars, attempting to pick people up in grocery stores, and weed out the people with whom you cannot possibly connect before you even need to shake hands.
When you find someone you think might be a potential date, always make sure to reference something you liked about their profile other than their photograph. They likely intentionally chose a flattering picture of themselves, and expect that no one who finds them physically repulsive will spend time saying hello. Attempt to connect. Be warned that while commenting on a photo may be flattering, it may also come with a well-deserved “fuck off” and there’s nothing I can say to stop that.
If this is a more formal affair, the meal should feel homey and include consideration for any dietary restrictions or observances of your guests. Cloth or recycled paper napkins should be used, water should be served as a matter of course, and enough food so that guests can have seconds without feeling greedy should be prepared–pretend they are arriving with an army of stoned lions, and make enough so that they can eat, too.
If this is less formal, the TV show or movie should be cued up beforehand, dinner should be ready or delivered shortly after they arrive, and light chatter should be anticipated. Do whatever you need to be cool with people talking during your favorite scenes.
Phones should be on silent, and should be kept in bags or pockets unless you have a pressing concern such as children, or a tweet that just went viral, or it’s been more than an hour since you updated Instagram.
Phones should be placed to the right of the napkin or kept in bags or pockets. They should be on silent, and not checked more than once per course, when pictures are also allowed.
Whenever meals are relatively comparable in price, the check should be split evenly. If there is a vast discrepancy in cost, the check may be apportioned, but, you ordering the surf and turf and three cocktails, should damn well pay for your friend/date’s $10 salad and free lemon water, Moneybags McGee. I know you earned that money, but you also have to earn friendships and guess which one tends to be harder to find? Especially if you know you’re much better off than your friend, do something nice so that you have someone who wants to talk to you. Jesus, why are we still talking about this?
If it’s a cash pool, such as for happy hours or work lunches, make sure you add in tax and 20% tip, plus a little extra in case someone is a little short. Any money that is overpaid can be applied to other group events.
Post like your grandmother and your boss are going to see everything. Or like your comments will be read in a court of law. Do not friend your grandmother or your boss on anything, and keep any profiles that can be private set to private so they don’t end up in any courts of law. Tweet like the world is watching.
Ask friends before you unload on assholes on their feeds, and respect their wishes if they ask you not to start another fight today.
Definitely fight anyone who questions the social worth of any group of people. No nazis should feel safe posting where you can see them.
Textual messages should be acknowledged as soon as possible after reading. Even a polite lol says that you’ve received the message and appreciated it. Avoid periods unless it’s a multi-sentence message, no emojis work, or you’re angry.
The exception is anyone you do not know. These people may be safely ignored, answered, or trolled, depending on what is said and how much time you have today.
Remember that your “text seen” notification is always telling on you.
Only curse around people who’ve cursed in front of you first. If this is unavoidable due to cubicle situations or your personal filters, learn a few choice words in another language. “Putain” is much classier sounding than “motherfucker,” unless your boss is French and then likely they’ve already cursed in front of you so this rule is void.
Check you didn’t hit “reply all” at least 3 times before sending any emails.
Always show up for birthdays that involve cake.
Attempt to attend one departmental gathering (lunch, happy hour, walk for coffee) per quarter.
That’s what I’ve got so far! What are some other rules you’ve noticed?