I Broke the Universe, But I Refuse to Buy It

I think I’m making wormholes and eating more electronics. My nascent wizardry may be at the toddler stage.

For those who aren’t aware of my backstory, I break electronics at a prodigious rate. Laptops don’t tend to last more than a year around me. Desktops make it about three years before they just don’t turn back on. Cellphones lose battery power within six months. Streetlights turn off when I walk by. I don’t know why, and it’s really quite frustrating, but I take it in stride because I assume this means soon I’ll get my Hogwarts letter.

Image result for harry potter

I know I’ve said I never want to go back to high school, but I only meant Muggle school, I swear!

It then progressed to cursing. I mean like manifesting evil intent, verbal cursing isn’t new for me. A friend in Quebec was tormenting me with his talk of a vacation and so I said, quite understandably:


It then snowed for a week. In April. I also gave four people sinus infections because I was miffed they couldn’t hang out. That was meant to be a joke, though, universe. I wasn’t actually mad at them. (Sorry, friends!) I then said out loud I didn’t want to have to turn the AC on until June, and it rained the rest of May. So now I have to watch out for that, too.

Well, it’s gotten even more interesting. This week, as I was contemplating whether the Ghostbusters would accept texts in lieu of calls, an apple fell out of my work bag. I heard it hit the pavement. I looked under my car for it, and the cars next to me, but it was just gone, girl. The only possible explanation? It fell into an alternate  universe. I thought that was pretty weird, but then I went to get coffee. And while planning a day of seeing how many times I could say “no” to someone without using that word, I stirred my beverage and saw a lone bubble floating at the opposite end of the kitchen from the sink. Now, it’s possible that while washing up, I managed to create one soap bubble, and distressed as I was about the apple-eating blip in physics, missed it. It seems unlikely though, because I have the situational awareness of some sort of, like, really good hunting animal. You thinking what I’m thinking? Yes. Definitely a slightly different, more bubble-prone universe.

I’d be fine if that’s where it ended. Okay, a few more bubbles. I’m not anti-bubble by any stretch!

But then the universe ate a whole car. It was behind me in heavy traffic, and then it wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere around me, and there were no exits it could have taken. It was just gone.

I’m freakin’ out, and if any of you happen to have strange new memories of people, or holes where you think maybe a silver SUV…

Image result for silver lexus suv


Oh, friends. Oh, jeez. This is not good. This is very not good. Yeah, definitely get “The First One’s Free,” (now free!) we need to start beefing up on ways to defend ourselves against formerly mythical beasts.

Good luck and God speed. Be safe out there!

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