Don’t Be a Witch

I think I’m a wizard, Harry.

There really aren’t many other supportable options. I’m a firm believer that nothing happens by coincidence, and I seem to have symptoms that much wiser minds than mine have more or less universally decided herald the passing of some sort of sorcerer.

No electronics may withstand me. Lights in my home burn faster than lights in other homes. Speakers tell me to run, which is particularly upsetting when you’re alone, they’re supposedly off, and it’s two in the morning. Alexa has no freaking clue what’s going on. Laptops meet untimely deaths.

And I guess I would say I’d figure out how to do magic around it, but if I have superpowers of any kind, they’re extremely boring. “Able to finish exams 5 minutes faster than 99% of all classmates” or “never gets lipstick on her teeth” seem like poor abilities at the cost of literally thousands of dollars of equipment.

You may be asking yourself now if I’m exaggerating. I do that, I admit it. I am not. As we speak, only one bulb in the office is still working, and I keep forgetting to go get new ones, because I just got new ones, and now they’re dead. The light over the chair I’ve been favoring lately, also out, while its brother mocks me from across the room.

I’ve purchased three laptops since 2015. All dead. Not like “doesn’t load YouTube as fast as I’d like,” kind of dead. Dead like “the buttons scream in agony when you push them and the screen remains blank.” Okay, that was a slight exaggeration. I am not sure if they’re in agony, but since some of them still contain my pictures I sure as hell am.

Now you must be thinking what sort of torture I subject them to. I assure you I am as gentle with them as can reasonably be expected. Sometimes I forget to shut them down at the end of a day. And maybe once they’d have slid from the couch to the floor when a cat moves the blanket it was on. That’s as bad as it gets though, I swear. And, before you get all righteous on me, they’re laptops. They are absolutely meant to be picked up, transported, and worked on at various times, in various circumstances without breaking. I feel that turning on, moving, and possibly moving with gravity once or twice are conditions that should be anticipated in the creation of a portable computer.

Since reasonable electronic lifespans are not in my purview, and since so many people ascribe this to magical ability (see: Dresden Files, Harry Potter…others…) it is only logical to assume I’m an enchantress.

Left: Right after waking up. Right: After coffee, on a really good hair day. (Disney)

I will continue to attempt unlocking my inner witch, and in the meantime, expect less of my more plebeian talents, such as typing words on computers, which I am appalled to say is necessary for most of the writing I do.

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